I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
