I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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