you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
