yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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