please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize