My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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