I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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