I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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