I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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