i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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