He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
