Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
