Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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