this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
