You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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