I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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