how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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