Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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