I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Randomize
