Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
