never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We had to coat check the pizza.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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