Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
