I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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