Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
so much tequila, so little girl.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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