i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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