i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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