you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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