I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
