I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
