How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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