So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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