We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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