and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
