I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I could fuck to npr.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
