I think I died a long time ago.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
