i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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