1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
