We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
