so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
