Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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