he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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