I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize