someone threw a dead crab at me
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
