I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
