I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
