my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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