Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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