i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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