And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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