I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
