Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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