new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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