did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
