you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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