I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
