i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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