Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
