Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It's never too late to be topless.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
