Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
