The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
