Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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