No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
