So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
